One of my biggest, biggest fear growing up was to loose my mom.
I was afraid she would die and I, and my two small siblings, would be left alone under the care of my dad.
I was so afraid because I didn’t think he would do a good job and then I would have to be in charge of my little sister and my little brother.
I was always asking my mom: “What happens if you die?”. Annoyed, and maybe slightly disturbed, she would answer: “I am NOT going to die!”. And I would insist until she would get upset and I had to stop asking.
I already knew: if my parents would divorce, during the hearing with the judge, I would tell him how I wanted to live with my mom, and I would explain him that my dad could not take care of us. I had my speech prepared.
Neither her passing nor the divorce happened.
So why was I so afraid of being left alone with my dad?
Well, my mom used to say:” I have 4 kids: 3 real kids and my husband!”
And she was right! My dad acted like a little child. Most of the time he was childish and immature.
Moreover, he wouldn’t help much around the house. My mom told me he never pushed a stroller nor changed a diaper, which may have been normal for an 80s dad. But he also never took us to the doctor or gave us our medicine. He would not give us a bath or help us change clothes. He would not read us bedtime stories. All of this were my mom’s chores.
But worst, it also felt like he was resenting us, the kids. He resented us when my mother spent time to deal with us, like when we were sick, of when we had homework, or when we played with together. It was like we had to compete with him for our mother’s love.
He resented the fact that my parents had to spend money for us, like the water bill and the electricity bill, etc. We were constantly reminded how expensive we were. As if they couldn’t figure this out before producing kids. He almost treated us like parasites.
He didn’t have any patience with us. He would frequently screamed at us, like when we were playing too loud, or when we were unruly. He had an explosive temper.
I still remember an instance when I was quite grown-up already, maybe 16-18 years old, when, at diner, I was not paying attention, my hand slipped and I knocked over my glass full of water on the diner table. A torrent of insults poured out of my dad. I hadn’t break the glass! It was just water! But he was so damned upset about this.
My mom would say: “That’s how your father is!”, as if he couldn’t help it. And in a way, I know, now, that maybe he couldn’t help it, as he is, in fact, an incarnated Dragon!
It was very hard for the three of us. We spent a lot of time during our childhood trying not to upset my dad. My little sister, who is the most sensitive of us all, clearly had the most trouble with it, barely able to stand or sit next to him.
Personally, I thought my dad didn’t like us. That there was little love there.
But everything changed one day, with simple words of truth, spoken by the most unlikely person: my mom’s Godmother. But anyone can act like an Angel at times.
We were visiting at her house and at lunch time, my parents and she were having a conversation that I was not particularly following when suddenly, addressing my father, she burst out:
“You see! And you didn’t even want to have children!”
I felt a big pang in my heart.
My father didn’t want to have us kids?
A lightbulb switched on in my brain.
My mind made a complete 180.
When you think of it, my dad did a wonderful job raising us, considering he didn’t want to be a dad in the first place.
I suddenly saw the situation through his eyes and all the resentment I had for him, for not being the perfect dad, I wanted him to be, vanished … in a few milliseconds.
He still went to work every morning to put food on the table, for us.
He didn’t help my mom around so much but it was because they had a pact.
I learnt later that when my mom and dad were dating, my father asked my mom to marry him, and she said that she wanted to have 3 kids, no more, no less. My father said that he didn’t want any kids, but ok. And that my mom would have to take care of everything and he would not do any chores. And she agreed. And so it is.
It felt like he resented us for existing, but he didn’t want to have us in the first place.
From this point onwards, things got better between my dad and I.
Little by little all the kids left the house. Dad was finally alone with my mom, like he had always wanted. Years later, he retired from his stressful job and he became more mellow, maybe not more patient, but calmer and more understanding. He can still scream, but the only person around him is my mom, and she would not let him have it.
Then, my dad became a grandfather 5 times over and seems to have a lot of fun with our kids. I feel a little heartache knowing that he is a much better grandfather than father but it is ok. Even if sometimes, there is outburst and flames, I now understand him, our old little Dragon.
When a situation is painful, seems unfair, before judging, make sure you know the whole truth about it. You can ask the Angels to enlighten you and help you see the situation from a higher perspective, or though the eyes of the other person, for healing.
“Angels, help me see the truth in this situation. Help me see the situation through the eyes of my higher self. Thank you!”
Sending you Love & Light,
PS: This watercolor is the kind of painting I was producing at the time and it is a cliff nearby our house in Normandy.
PPS: For more on Dragons, read:
PPS: If this story resonated with you, leave a comment below. I would love to hear your stories.